Sorry i haven't been posting much but winter is my bad time and all I do is mope until the sun comes back.
Sweet dreams
Bec
Monday, November 26, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
The better man
you ever have one of those dreams where you find a better part of yourself? I laid down to take a nap with while david took care of the kids and i was just beat down. I fell asleep almost instantly. I wondered through my dreams and then in my dream i thought i have to wake up and help David with the kids. I have no idea why i thought this. Besides this being a very busy week I have hardly seen David and the kids have seen him even less. The one thing he did not need was my help. But there it was all the same. In my dream i woke up at my mothers house which is where i spend the majority of my time lately and it was night. I was thinking that I had overslept and I needed to head home to help out. I walk outside and it is raining. I walk to my car and notice that the windows are cracked and that there is stuff that was in my car scattered on the driveway. I am annoyed that my car has been broken into again and then i notice that there is someone asleep in the back of my car. I get upset and yell 'get out of my car!' a black man with a beard and a beanie hat on wakes up and snaps back at me 'I want a job!' I realize that he is just trying to stay out of the rain and tell him that I am going to be inside and maybe he wants to rest for another thirty minutes. I go back inside.
We are in a Bed and Breakfast with a politician (played by the hot guy from sideways who was also in george of the jungle) and his financers. they are watching the polls or something on the tv that is not giving a good report on how the canidate is doing. The canidate is talking to his asistant telling her about how at heir next fundraiser he is going to get madonna. The financers come over to the two of them and the canidate starts to tell them about this outragous plan involving Madonna. The finacers tell him he is not a good bet and they are pulling their money. The canidate looks shocked as if he had no idea that he was doing something wrong, and the finacers say 'a man of privlage could never understand the populace in need' (i think) the canidate walks out of the room silent and down a hall he opens a thin door to a bedroom and reaches around and pulls a cord or something and a flight of stairs is reveled. there might have been some kind of drop down thing. a small boy and the guy who plays harry potter lean there heads out and look at the canidate. the harry potter guy says 'oh dear its a 15 flight tantrum' and then walks out of the room on roller blades holding a briefcase and dressed casually. 'come on...i have to catch the (some time) train, i don't have time for this.'
I walk into the living room and pick up my keys ready to go, the kids need me. It is sunny outside and i walk to my car i see that all the clothes are folded in the back seat and the guy is gone. I look around for him and see him walking away by the park. I catch his eye press my hands together and bow my head. He waves back then turns and keeps walking.
with my liberal background you might think this is my subconsious making a statement on the current administration, but my subconsious isn';t very political in fact my subconious isn't all that found of my mother so it abhors politics in general. wich is okay because my waking mind enjoys it. I woke with a feeling of being a slightly better person. I felt good about my relationship with the guy and odd about the canidate. I think this was me trying to create some good feelings in my head. i have been pretty presed to the limit and this was the first time i felt like i had interacted ina p[ositive manner in my community. I think what i really need is to go to church and get filled again.
Sweet Dreams
Bec
We are in a Bed and Breakfast with a politician (played by the hot guy from sideways who was also in george of the jungle) and his financers. they are watching the polls or something on the tv that is not giving a good report on how the canidate is doing. The canidate is talking to his asistant telling her about how at heir next fundraiser he is going to get madonna. The financers come over to the two of them and the canidate starts to tell them about this outragous plan involving Madonna. The finacers tell him he is not a good bet and they are pulling their money. The canidate looks shocked as if he had no idea that he was doing something wrong, and the finacers say 'a man of privlage could never understand the populace in need' (i think) the canidate walks out of the room silent and down a hall he opens a thin door to a bedroom and reaches around and pulls a cord or something and a flight of stairs is reveled. there might have been some kind of drop down thing. a small boy and the guy who plays harry potter lean there heads out and look at the canidate. the harry potter guy says 'oh dear its a 15 flight tantrum' and then walks out of the room on roller blades holding a briefcase and dressed casually. 'come on...i have to catch the (some time) train, i don't have time for this.'
I walk into the living room and pick up my keys ready to go, the kids need me. It is sunny outside and i walk to my car i see that all the clothes are folded in the back seat and the guy is gone. I look around for him and see him walking away by the park. I catch his eye press my hands together and bow my head. He waves back then turns and keeps walking.
with my liberal background you might think this is my subconsious making a statement on the current administration, but my subconsious isn';t very political in fact my subconious isn't all that found of my mother so it abhors politics in general. wich is okay because my waking mind enjoys it. I woke with a feeling of being a slightly better person. I felt good about my relationship with the guy and odd about the canidate. I think this was me trying to create some good feelings in my head. i have been pretty presed to the limit and this was the first time i felt like i had interacted ina p[ositive manner in my community. I think what i really need is to go to church and get filled again.
Sweet Dreams
Bec
Monday, September 3, 2007
Left Unsaid
I had the oddest toatlly fake dream last night. you could say i was faking it with the best of us...yeah
Sweet Dreams
Bell
Sweet Dreams
Bell
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
the Voice
You ever heard the voice of god? I am pretty sure i haven't but the other night i doped up (and when i say doped up i mean a few pills) to get some sleep and I was half asleep when in the base of my skull i heard this voice and it said something that i am sure was important but I don't remeber it. I remeber how the voice sounded and waking the rest of the way up and thinking that's what the voice of god should sound like. it even gave me goose bumps. That thought lead to a whole line of thinking about using and being closer to god. Needless to say the drugs weren't enough to help me sleep once my brain started down that path. My hubby dosed me again and I drifted off to sleep trying to write my mothers name in her handwriting in my head. there is somethign about drawming a Cursive upercase D the way she does that will make you feel like you are on a roller coaster. God bless vicadin..and the voice of vicadin bless God
Sweet Dreams,
Bec
Sweet Dreams,
Bec
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Yellow 77
I am not entirely positive that i can have a dream without laundry. Seriously i am going to change the name of this blog to War on Laundry.
We are on a train like thing. Though not entirely. I am not myself I am someone else. I have no identifers that tell me i am becca. I am the asistant lawyer to a man defending a case of i think assult. He is one of those good guy lawyers. No money barely put together. We keep moving between Our car and the car of 20-40 spring breakers that we are tryng to convince. We have our own car and it has older furniture and a general untidyness about it that is not fixable. there are papers on tables and strewn about as if everything was in the middle of a thought. I sometmes feel like that. The man i am working for is older and balding with glasses and a feeling of being unable to handle everything on his plate but still doing it all. I am sitting in his car after having watched him give a speech to the car of the deciders better known as college kids who don't care. we are talking and he tells me to go in and give the next argument. as i reach for the door a large pile of laundry falls out off the front of the room and blocks my way to the door. He is apologetic when hhe says that he thought he might do a load of laundry while he was waiting. I exit our car which has become a trailer now that the 'train' is stopped andgo into the trailer which is the spring breakers. There are nice chairs like ou would see in the coach section on a train and sleeping bunks in the back. The car is huge and is divided in my head into people who will agree with me and those who won't. And then this becomes political. You walk into the train car right in the middle where the line between bunks and chairs is. the people to my right will agree with me and my head classifys them as democrat and the people to my left won't and my head says theey are republican. I make my argument and some people ask argumentative questions. I spend some serious time there but i know ifn my dream that i am tired. This now goes back to being a train and it is moving. I move to the connector and go to the car infront of the spring breakers knowing that the old guy will be in the next car. I go all the way to the front where he has turned into a man who looks like robin williams he is sitting facing the isle with his chin on his fist staring at a woman accross the isle from him who is doing the same. this woman is his wife and she mentions something about this being a 20 foot drop and that being unreasonable. I now think that this guy is running for office and tell him that i am tired and would like to go to sleep. he looks at me and says 'i am going to give my final speech any minute now, when we stop' i sigh and except the fact that i am going to have to stay up even though i am very tired. He turns back to his wife who says 'i was just back there (the spring breakers car) and they were passing around twentties' twenties here there this is a good twenty that's a bad twenty. the man says It's april, it's probably for april birthdays. She says i don't understand the significance of a twenty is it like yellow 77? and then we are on a open boat like the kind in it's a small world at diseyland and i know that 20 foot drop is coming. I wake up.
What bugs me about this dream is the yellow 77. it stuck in my head and was part of what woke me up. I am sure there are all sorts of things you could pull from this dream that are much more important. My desire to teach as shown by talking to the kids in the train, my issues with laundry an m house, my fucked up sleep pattern. I am sure all of those things are much more important but I will be stewing over yellow 77 for a few days.
We are on a train like thing. Though not entirely. I am not myself I am someone else. I have no identifers that tell me i am becca. I am the asistant lawyer to a man defending a case of i think assult. He is one of those good guy lawyers. No money barely put together. We keep moving between Our car and the car of 20-40 spring breakers that we are tryng to convince. We have our own car and it has older furniture and a general untidyness about it that is not fixable. there are papers on tables and strewn about as if everything was in the middle of a thought. I sometmes feel like that. The man i am working for is older and balding with glasses and a feeling of being unable to handle everything on his plate but still doing it all. I am sitting in his car after having watched him give a speech to the car of the deciders better known as college kids who don't care. we are talking and he tells me to go in and give the next argument. as i reach for the door a large pile of laundry falls out off the front of the room and blocks my way to the door. He is apologetic when hhe says that he thought he might do a load of laundry while he was waiting. I exit our car which has become a trailer now that the 'train' is stopped andgo into the trailer which is the spring breakers. There are nice chairs like ou would see in the coach section on a train and sleeping bunks in the back. The car is huge and is divided in my head into people who will agree with me and those who won't. And then this becomes political. You walk into the train car right in the middle where the line between bunks and chairs is. the people to my right will agree with me and my head classifys them as democrat and the people to my left won't and my head says theey are republican. I make my argument and some people ask argumentative questions. I spend some serious time there but i know ifn my dream that i am tired. This now goes back to being a train and it is moving. I move to the connector and go to the car infront of the spring breakers knowing that the old guy will be in the next car. I go all the way to the front where he has turned into a man who looks like robin williams he is sitting facing the isle with his chin on his fist staring at a woman accross the isle from him who is doing the same. this woman is his wife and she mentions something about this being a 20 foot drop and that being unreasonable. I now think that this guy is running for office and tell him that i am tired and would like to go to sleep. he looks at me and says 'i am going to give my final speech any minute now, when we stop' i sigh and except the fact that i am going to have to stay up even though i am very tired. He turns back to his wife who says 'i was just back there (the spring breakers car) and they were passing around twentties' twenties here there this is a good twenty that's a bad twenty. the man says It's april, it's probably for april birthdays. She says i don't understand the significance of a twenty is it like yellow 77? and then we are on a open boat like the kind in it's a small world at diseyland and i know that 20 foot drop is coming. I wake up.
What bugs me about this dream is the yellow 77. it stuck in my head and was part of what woke me up. I am sure there are all sorts of things you could pull from this dream that are much more important. My desire to teach as shown by talking to the kids in the train, my issues with laundry an m house, my fucked up sleep pattern. I am sure all of those things are much more important but I will be stewing over yellow 77 for a few days.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Not Me
A few nights ago I had the distinct opportunity to have a dream in which I was not me. I do not mean that I was someone else. I was me, I identified myself and recognized my soul. I respopnded to my name and Knew that David was my husband an that I had two kids. So what I mean when I say not me, is that I acted and was treated in a manner that is not conducive to my personality. I am inately shy and to deal with that in a group setting I tend to don a personality that is a bit sardonic and sarcastic. Or i am the perfect host and mother. I (like most people) hide who I really am behind various masks so that I don't have to deal with myself. In my dream I was nice and was adored and treated nicely by people. Don't get me wrong I am not a bad person I am just not the type to be adored. I prefer to match make and fix things. The only one who has ever adored me is my husband. I did just shoot the question over my shoulder 'Hey hun, do you adore me?' Which is why I feel confident saying that. Though perhaps putting him on the spot like that, there was really only one answer he would give. David is very good at the 'does this make me look fat?' part of our marriage. He always knows the right answer and how to make me belive it. Back to my dream.
In this dream we are in a classroom and people are lipsyncing in groups and we rate them and give them feedback on their lipsyncing. The room is set up oddly with and stage that is only about 2 shallow steps up from the rest of the class and we are fanned out in front of them. The is a small room to the side where people can go to buy food. Frozen burritos. While Groups are lip syncing people are flirting with me and telling me how nice i am. In my dream I am peaceful and happy. I am always smiling. It is like someone gave me a drug or something. While in my dream it seems okay, I woke up feeling uncomfortable with it. The Me in my dream seemed not to care and was unaffected by the world around her. After the groups are done lipsyncing I go to buy a snack and the teacher selling them tells me that the woman before me forgot her change and gives it to me. I have no idea why, I don't know the woman and don't expect to see her. I take the change thinking I will keep it and at the same time wondering why the woman gave it to me. As I walk out the girl before me, a big black woman, catches up to me and wants her change. The change is divided by recipts so I just give her the one on top and walk to my car. As I go I dig in my backpack nonchalantly looking for my keys, I end up sitting on top of my bag as I dig in my bag trying to feel for my keys. I stop by a stand that has all sorts of hawaiian stuff and look around. I ask if the woman has sunglasses and she tells me that she has 2 million in sunglasses if I can find a place to put them. I start looking over the displays not really wanting to help her but wanting a pair of sunglasses and then I am aware of being awake.
Dreams are such odd things. The only part of this that I can without a doubt tell you what it is about is the sunglasses. The kids recently ruined my expensive fossil sunglasses and the sun has been bothering me. I was upset because my mother bought them for me in pasadena when a migrain was bothering me and they were a delightful luxury for me to have sunglasses from Macy's. I usually get sunglasses from target so a brand name and a cute look were...well i reallyliked them. I took care of them and kept them in the case and always put them up. but the kids got to them and scratched them beyond repair. I was upset that they had broken so mething that was mine, that my mother had bought me from Macy's in Pasadna. It was all kind of hurtful. I had mentioned it to David and we talked about it. The rest of it I have no idea. While the me in this dream is peaceful she seems selfish. Keeping the change and not wanting to find the person, not wanting to help the vendor display stuff, and not returning the love to the people who adored her...me...us. I am uncomfortable with the way i..we ..oy...behave in this dream. It is very out of character for me. I love being praised but only when i do something worth it. I like people to say they liked a meal I cooked or that the party I planned was wonderful. I like it when people feel comfortable and sit and chat. I also llike it when I do something that attracts people to me, or if I look good and people coment on it. Praise for Praise sake seems lost on me. Perhaps that is why i am not quite as balanced as I should be. Should I learn to just except love and praise just because? Bleh even the thought makes me annoyed.
Sweet Dreams,
Bec
In this dream we are in a classroom and people are lipsyncing in groups and we rate them and give them feedback on their lipsyncing. The room is set up oddly with and stage that is only about 2 shallow steps up from the rest of the class and we are fanned out in front of them. The is a small room to the side where people can go to buy food. Frozen burritos. While Groups are lip syncing people are flirting with me and telling me how nice i am. In my dream I am peaceful and happy. I am always smiling. It is like someone gave me a drug or something. While in my dream it seems okay, I woke up feeling uncomfortable with it. The Me in my dream seemed not to care and was unaffected by the world around her. After the groups are done lipsyncing I go to buy a snack and the teacher selling them tells me that the woman before me forgot her change and gives it to me. I have no idea why, I don't know the woman and don't expect to see her. I take the change thinking I will keep it and at the same time wondering why the woman gave it to me. As I walk out the girl before me, a big black woman, catches up to me and wants her change. The change is divided by recipts so I just give her the one on top and walk to my car. As I go I dig in my backpack nonchalantly looking for my keys, I end up sitting on top of my bag as I dig in my bag trying to feel for my keys. I stop by a stand that has all sorts of hawaiian stuff and look around. I ask if the woman has sunglasses and she tells me that she has 2 million in sunglasses if I can find a place to put them. I start looking over the displays not really wanting to help her but wanting a pair of sunglasses and then I am aware of being awake.
Dreams are such odd things. The only part of this that I can without a doubt tell you what it is about is the sunglasses. The kids recently ruined my expensive fossil sunglasses and the sun has been bothering me. I was upset because my mother bought them for me in pasadena when a migrain was bothering me and they were a delightful luxury for me to have sunglasses from Macy's. I usually get sunglasses from target so a brand name and a cute look were...well i reallyliked them. I took care of them and kept them in the case and always put them up. but the kids got to them and scratched them beyond repair. I was upset that they had broken so mething that was mine, that my mother had bought me from Macy's in Pasadna. It was all kind of hurtful. I had mentioned it to David and we talked about it. The rest of it I have no idea. While the me in this dream is peaceful she seems selfish. Keeping the change and not wanting to find the person, not wanting to help the vendor display stuff, and not returning the love to the people who adored her...me...us. I am uncomfortable with the way i..we ..oy...behave in this dream. It is very out of character for me. I love being praised but only when i do something worth it. I like people to say they liked a meal I cooked or that the party I planned was wonderful. I like it when people feel comfortable and sit and chat. I also llike it when I do something that attracts people to me, or if I look good and people coment on it. Praise for Praise sake seems lost on me. Perhaps that is why i am not quite as balanced as I should be. Should I learn to just except love and praise just because? Bleh even the thought makes me annoyed.
Sweet Dreams,
Bec
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Old Lovers
A tumble, and when i use the word tumble i mean very harsh fall, from a bike coupled with pain pills and followed by a high fever and toncillitis, will give you the most amazing dreams. None of which you will remember when you wake up and the pain pills fade and the fog clears from your brain. You wake up feeling slightly rested and annoyed because you can only chase the tails of those rich vivid dreams. Though perhaps the fact that you can't recall those dreams is a blessing. maybe a part of the pain comes our in your dreams. Maybe deviant dreams fill your brain so your body can heal. Maybe there is some portion of your body that has to expel such vile cirumstances and the only place to do that is your dreams.
I fell off my bike banged my face all to hell, sprained my knee, scraped up most exposed surfaces, and got a nasty knot on my forehead. The EMTs came cleaned me up and made me promise to go to the hospital. Once there my body was subjected to alot of testing and xrays and left in a leg immobilizer and with crutches. There is something so violent about this process of being hurt that it last over several days. Not all your bruises rise to the surface until 3 days later and parts of your body hurt that weren't even dragged accross the street behind your bike. It is terrifying that it takes three days for your body to finally say,' this is all that is hurt, take inventory and fix it now.' and then months upon months to heal. while for the most part i walk without crutches my knee will still twing every now and then. I fear my neck will never be quite the same and I kissed all my high heels goodnight for at least a few months until Crocs stop feeling wonderful.
I fell off my bike banged my face all to hell, sprained my knee, scraped up most exposed surfaces, and got a nasty knot on my forehead. The EMTs came cleaned me up and made me promise to go to the hospital. Once there my body was subjected to alot of testing and xrays and left in a leg immobilizer and with crutches. There is something so violent about this process of being hurt that it last over several days. Not all your bruises rise to the surface until 3 days later and parts of your body hurt that weren't even dragged accross the street behind your bike. It is terrifying that it takes three days for your body to finally say,' this is all that is hurt, take inventory and fix it now.' and then months upon months to heal. while for the most part i walk without crutches my knee will still twing every now and then. I fear my neck will never be quite the same and I kissed all my high heels goodnight for at least a few months until Crocs stop feeling wonderful.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Red Shirts
Red Shirts. It's written on my white board in my bedroom next to my computer. It's written in red. Besides a magnetic calendar and a dry erase marker it is the only thing that has been on my white board in awhile. It was from a dream a few weeks ago in which my husband has died and moved on and I am still trying to mend the rift between us.
Now that I look back on it, in my dream I thought David was avoiding talking to me about it because he was still mad. But maybe he had already accepted the reality of the situation and wasn't able to tell me. It wasn't until I woke up that I realized that he was dead in my dream. He was wearing a red shirt and all the people in red shirts were dead. I chased david through a forest and a city trying to make good with him. I finally end up in a jazz bar that is painted all white and has white shirts hanging from clothes lines (which I am fairly certain is because I have become a bit obsessive about line drying my laundry.) There is no one in the first room of the restaruant and I look through a door into another room and David is sitting at a table, kind of a bi level booth, talking with other guys, who i don't know. There are Twinkle lights strewn throughout for lighting even though it is sunny near David. The room seems to go from light near the booth to darker with more aritificial lighting near the stage. I am so relived to find him, but for some reason I don't go right to him. I sneak in and listen to the conversation he is having. I can't remeber the words he spoke but I know that they woke me up.
The dream started in a forest though. I am in a tent with my mother, who is naked (i have no idea why. the only thing I can think of is that I am worried about her weight,) and my children. My mother is in a sleeping bag on the ground and my children are...i don't know. I see david getting closer and closer, more from his prespective than mine, he is with another person in a red shirt and a person who was very much like our friend S, but just different enough that i didn't know him. I think he was a hold over from whatever my previous dream was. He is dressed in brown cargo like pants and a t-shirt. Looking back on it it was a little odd that David was hiking through the forest as he isn't really a fan of hiking. David comes into the tent and I think I try to use our children to get him to talk to me. I feel like I spend a long time apologizing and trying to figure out what is wrong then in my persistant way i follow him trying to get him to hold me or forgive me or something. I just keep trying to make it right and David just shakes his head has a worried look and keeps evading me.
Three weeks ago and I still remeber that much about the dream. I don't think I could tell you the story of the tragic queen very much other than the bit about the wolves but this dream i still remeber with a decent amount of detail. I have been stalked by the idea of the red shirts. That's why i wrote it on my white board to stay with me. There is something about it that is nagging at me. Like something just benethe the surface that I need to figure out. Even Freud said 'sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.' maybe i am making a mountain out of a mole hill. Maybe it stuck with me because I was wearing the tshirt from my son's preschool. (I looked good in it to. not too skinny but definately delusional about the state of my thighs.) It's a red shirt. Was i dead to? or just visiting? am I worried that I have done something to David that will go beyond our life together? Both David and joe have commented about the whiteboard. Joe even laughed and said why do you still have it up there. I think it might have been the only time when people listened when I didn't want them too, because both of them remebered what it was a reference to.
Death is a very scary thing. Well maybe not. It is perhaps a very unresolved thing. You don't know if it will happen to someone you love. i am less afraid of dying than losing the people i love. If I am dead, oh well, I won't know. But if i lost David...I sometimes think my world would crumble. I am not going to get sappy here because it is 2 am and even I wouldn't buy it was my real feeling with that little amount of sleep. But my world would be harder. David has life insurance but it couldn't replace or in any way help me. It couldn't take the kids when I was having a bad day. I wouldn't hold me when i dream. It couldn't do Rekki to soothe my head and put me to sleep. All it would do is pay the bills, and I don't really care about the bills. We talk about life insurance and how it will be there to make it easier for the other person. i don't think it would do that. He will just be gone someday, and will miss something, and that is very scary to me. Who knows what that something is but I am pretty sure I will be in that moment and thinking 'i wish David could see this.'
Red shirts. RED SHIRTS. No I have no idea what I need to know about them but I know it is just beneth the surface. Perhaps that David will except the way things are and I just have to keep changing the world. He was so sad in my dream. Even thinking about it is rough.
God damn red shirts.
Now that I look back on it, in my dream I thought David was avoiding talking to me about it because he was still mad. But maybe he had already accepted the reality of the situation and wasn't able to tell me. It wasn't until I woke up that I realized that he was dead in my dream. He was wearing a red shirt and all the people in red shirts were dead. I chased david through a forest and a city trying to make good with him. I finally end up in a jazz bar that is painted all white and has white shirts hanging from clothes lines (which I am fairly certain is because I have become a bit obsessive about line drying my laundry.) There is no one in the first room of the restaruant and I look through a door into another room and David is sitting at a table, kind of a bi level booth, talking with other guys, who i don't know. There are Twinkle lights strewn throughout for lighting even though it is sunny near David. The room seems to go from light near the booth to darker with more aritificial lighting near the stage. I am so relived to find him, but for some reason I don't go right to him. I sneak in and listen to the conversation he is having. I can't remeber the words he spoke but I know that they woke me up.
The dream started in a forest though. I am in a tent with my mother, who is naked (i have no idea why. the only thing I can think of is that I am worried about her weight,) and my children. My mother is in a sleeping bag on the ground and my children are...i don't know. I see david getting closer and closer, more from his prespective than mine, he is with another person in a red shirt and a person who was very much like our friend S, but just different enough that i didn't know him. I think he was a hold over from whatever my previous dream was. He is dressed in brown cargo like pants and a t-shirt. Looking back on it it was a little odd that David was hiking through the forest as he isn't really a fan of hiking. David comes into the tent and I think I try to use our children to get him to talk to me. I feel like I spend a long time apologizing and trying to figure out what is wrong then in my persistant way i follow him trying to get him to hold me or forgive me or something. I just keep trying to make it right and David just shakes his head has a worried look and keeps evading me.
Three weeks ago and I still remeber that much about the dream. I don't think I could tell you the story of the tragic queen very much other than the bit about the wolves but this dream i still remeber with a decent amount of detail. I have been stalked by the idea of the red shirts. That's why i wrote it on my white board to stay with me. There is something about it that is nagging at me. Like something just benethe the surface that I need to figure out. Even Freud said 'sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.' maybe i am making a mountain out of a mole hill. Maybe it stuck with me because I was wearing the tshirt from my son's preschool. (I looked good in it to. not too skinny but definately delusional about the state of my thighs.) It's a red shirt. Was i dead to? or just visiting? am I worried that I have done something to David that will go beyond our life together? Both David and joe have commented about the whiteboard. Joe even laughed and said why do you still have it up there. I think it might have been the only time when people listened when I didn't want them too, because both of them remebered what it was a reference to.
Death is a very scary thing. Well maybe not. It is perhaps a very unresolved thing. You don't know if it will happen to someone you love. i am less afraid of dying than losing the people i love. If I am dead, oh well, I won't know. But if i lost David...I sometimes think my world would crumble. I am not going to get sappy here because it is 2 am and even I wouldn't buy it was my real feeling with that little amount of sleep. But my world would be harder. David has life insurance but it couldn't replace or in any way help me. It couldn't take the kids when I was having a bad day. I wouldn't hold me when i dream. It couldn't do Rekki to soothe my head and put me to sleep. All it would do is pay the bills, and I don't really care about the bills. We talk about life insurance and how it will be there to make it easier for the other person. i don't think it would do that. He will just be gone someday, and will miss something, and that is very scary to me. Who knows what that something is but I am pretty sure I will be in that moment and thinking 'i wish David could see this.'
Red shirts. RED SHIRTS. No I have no idea what I need to know about them but I know it is just beneth the surface. Perhaps that David will except the way things are and I just have to keep changing the world. He was so sad in my dream. Even thinking about it is rough.
God damn red shirts.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Woke up screaming
I had a bad dream last night. Everyone is asking me what my dream was about but dreams aren't ever that easy. When I say a bad dream i really mean a whole series of mini dreams that seemed to be tied together. From dark voices whispering about my daughter to a long story about a tortured queen. While just saying it like that makes it seem fairly benign it isn't really. I did wake up screaming...and woke up half my household in the process. I often wonder if my dreams are so vivid and sequential because I am part of the hollywood generation. Movies have a strong influence in our lives and I often find that I am in the middle of a dream and thinking 'what good cinemtography.' My dreams have special effects and fade from one scene to another. The only problem is that they don't really have much of an ending. I either wake up or I move to another dream entirely. It is disturbing in the case of the dream about the queen. Apart of me really wants to know the bloody end. Another part of me wonders what my subconcious is telling me. Perhaps that it is time to write again and to focus on something other than house. Though after I woke up and David put me back to sleep I did have a dream about being at my mothers house and there was piles of laundry everywhere!! As I say it now it probably wasn't so much a nightmare as my brain trying to tell me to stop being nurotic about laundry. The worst part of dreams is that no matter how hard I try I can't recall all the pieces of the story. I know it was a great story I just can't remeber why.
-B
-B
Leona's Lullabye
Pale Moon
In a golden sky
Sing her praises
As she floats by
Bright Stars
Accross the sky
Sing her praises
Don't ask why
Strong River
Flowing fast
Sing her praises
As she flows past
Sweet Grass
Strong and green
Sing her praises
Soft and keen
Song Bird
Soft and Proud
Sing her praises
Oh so loud
Little Girl
Fast asleep
Sing her praises
Her dreams to keep
In a golden sky
Sing her praises
As she floats by
Bright Stars
Accross the sky
Sing her praises
Don't ask why
Strong River
Flowing fast
Sing her praises
As she flows past
Sweet Grass
Strong and green
Sing her praises
Soft and keen
Song Bird
Soft and Proud
Sing her praises
Oh so loud
Little Girl
Fast asleep
Sing her praises
Her dreams to keep
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