You ever heard the voice of god? I am pretty sure i haven't but the other night i doped up (and when i say doped up i mean a few pills) to get some sleep and I was half asleep when in the base of my skull i heard this voice and it said something that i am sure was important but I don't remeber it. I remeber how the voice sounded and waking the rest of the way up and thinking that's what the voice of god should sound like. it even gave me goose bumps. That thought lead to a whole line of thinking about using and being closer to god. Needless to say the drugs weren't enough to help me sleep once my brain started down that path. My hubby dosed me again and I drifted off to sleep trying to write my mothers name in her handwriting in my head. there is somethign about drawming a Cursive upercase D the way she does that will make you feel like you are on a roller coaster. God bless vicadin..and the voice of vicadin bless God
Sweet Dreams,
Bec
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Yellow 77
I am not entirely positive that i can have a dream without laundry. Seriously i am going to change the name of this blog to War on Laundry.
We are on a train like thing. Though not entirely. I am not myself I am someone else. I have no identifers that tell me i am becca. I am the asistant lawyer to a man defending a case of i think assult. He is one of those good guy lawyers. No money barely put together. We keep moving between Our car and the car of 20-40 spring breakers that we are tryng to convince. We have our own car and it has older furniture and a general untidyness about it that is not fixable. there are papers on tables and strewn about as if everything was in the middle of a thought. I sometmes feel like that. The man i am working for is older and balding with glasses and a feeling of being unable to handle everything on his plate but still doing it all. I am sitting in his car after having watched him give a speech to the car of the deciders better known as college kids who don't care. we are talking and he tells me to go in and give the next argument. as i reach for the door a large pile of laundry falls out off the front of the room and blocks my way to the door. He is apologetic when hhe says that he thought he might do a load of laundry while he was waiting. I exit our car which has become a trailer now that the 'train' is stopped andgo into the trailer which is the spring breakers. There are nice chairs like ou would see in the coach section on a train and sleeping bunks in the back. The car is huge and is divided in my head into people who will agree with me and those who won't. And then this becomes political. You walk into the train car right in the middle where the line between bunks and chairs is. the people to my right will agree with me and my head classifys them as democrat and the people to my left won't and my head says theey are republican. I make my argument and some people ask argumentative questions. I spend some serious time there but i know ifn my dream that i am tired. This now goes back to being a train and it is moving. I move to the connector and go to the car infront of the spring breakers knowing that the old guy will be in the next car. I go all the way to the front where he has turned into a man who looks like robin williams he is sitting facing the isle with his chin on his fist staring at a woman accross the isle from him who is doing the same. this woman is his wife and she mentions something about this being a 20 foot drop and that being unreasonable. I now think that this guy is running for office and tell him that i am tired and would like to go to sleep. he looks at me and says 'i am going to give my final speech any minute now, when we stop' i sigh and except the fact that i am going to have to stay up even though i am very tired. He turns back to his wife who says 'i was just back there (the spring breakers car) and they were passing around twentties' twenties here there this is a good twenty that's a bad twenty. the man says It's april, it's probably for april birthdays. She says i don't understand the significance of a twenty is it like yellow 77? and then we are on a open boat like the kind in it's a small world at diseyland and i know that 20 foot drop is coming. I wake up.
What bugs me about this dream is the yellow 77. it stuck in my head and was part of what woke me up. I am sure there are all sorts of things you could pull from this dream that are much more important. My desire to teach as shown by talking to the kids in the train, my issues with laundry an m house, my fucked up sleep pattern. I am sure all of those things are much more important but I will be stewing over yellow 77 for a few days.
We are on a train like thing. Though not entirely. I am not myself I am someone else. I have no identifers that tell me i am becca. I am the asistant lawyer to a man defending a case of i think assult. He is one of those good guy lawyers. No money barely put together. We keep moving between Our car and the car of 20-40 spring breakers that we are tryng to convince. We have our own car and it has older furniture and a general untidyness about it that is not fixable. there are papers on tables and strewn about as if everything was in the middle of a thought. I sometmes feel like that. The man i am working for is older and balding with glasses and a feeling of being unable to handle everything on his plate but still doing it all. I am sitting in his car after having watched him give a speech to the car of the deciders better known as college kids who don't care. we are talking and he tells me to go in and give the next argument. as i reach for the door a large pile of laundry falls out off the front of the room and blocks my way to the door. He is apologetic when hhe says that he thought he might do a load of laundry while he was waiting. I exit our car which has become a trailer now that the 'train' is stopped andgo into the trailer which is the spring breakers. There are nice chairs like ou would see in the coach section on a train and sleeping bunks in the back. The car is huge and is divided in my head into people who will agree with me and those who won't. And then this becomes political. You walk into the train car right in the middle where the line between bunks and chairs is. the people to my right will agree with me and my head classifys them as democrat and the people to my left won't and my head says theey are republican. I make my argument and some people ask argumentative questions. I spend some serious time there but i know ifn my dream that i am tired. This now goes back to being a train and it is moving. I move to the connector and go to the car infront of the spring breakers knowing that the old guy will be in the next car. I go all the way to the front where he has turned into a man who looks like robin williams he is sitting facing the isle with his chin on his fist staring at a woman accross the isle from him who is doing the same. this woman is his wife and she mentions something about this being a 20 foot drop and that being unreasonable. I now think that this guy is running for office and tell him that i am tired and would like to go to sleep. he looks at me and says 'i am going to give my final speech any minute now, when we stop' i sigh and except the fact that i am going to have to stay up even though i am very tired. He turns back to his wife who says 'i was just back there (the spring breakers car) and they were passing around twentties' twenties here there this is a good twenty that's a bad twenty. the man says It's april, it's probably for april birthdays. She says i don't understand the significance of a twenty is it like yellow 77? and then we are on a open boat like the kind in it's a small world at diseyland and i know that 20 foot drop is coming. I wake up.
What bugs me about this dream is the yellow 77. it stuck in my head and was part of what woke me up. I am sure there are all sorts of things you could pull from this dream that are much more important. My desire to teach as shown by talking to the kids in the train, my issues with laundry an m house, my fucked up sleep pattern. I am sure all of those things are much more important but I will be stewing over yellow 77 for a few days.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Not Me
A few nights ago I had the distinct opportunity to have a dream in which I was not me. I do not mean that I was someone else. I was me, I identified myself and recognized my soul. I respopnded to my name and Knew that David was my husband an that I had two kids. So what I mean when I say not me, is that I acted and was treated in a manner that is not conducive to my personality. I am inately shy and to deal with that in a group setting I tend to don a personality that is a bit sardonic and sarcastic. Or i am the perfect host and mother. I (like most people) hide who I really am behind various masks so that I don't have to deal with myself. In my dream I was nice and was adored and treated nicely by people. Don't get me wrong I am not a bad person I am just not the type to be adored. I prefer to match make and fix things. The only one who has ever adored me is my husband. I did just shoot the question over my shoulder 'Hey hun, do you adore me?' Which is why I feel confident saying that. Though perhaps putting him on the spot like that, there was really only one answer he would give. David is very good at the 'does this make me look fat?' part of our marriage. He always knows the right answer and how to make me belive it. Back to my dream.
In this dream we are in a classroom and people are lipsyncing in groups and we rate them and give them feedback on their lipsyncing. The room is set up oddly with and stage that is only about 2 shallow steps up from the rest of the class and we are fanned out in front of them. The is a small room to the side where people can go to buy food. Frozen burritos. While Groups are lip syncing people are flirting with me and telling me how nice i am. In my dream I am peaceful and happy. I am always smiling. It is like someone gave me a drug or something. While in my dream it seems okay, I woke up feeling uncomfortable with it. The Me in my dream seemed not to care and was unaffected by the world around her. After the groups are done lipsyncing I go to buy a snack and the teacher selling them tells me that the woman before me forgot her change and gives it to me. I have no idea why, I don't know the woman and don't expect to see her. I take the change thinking I will keep it and at the same time wondering why the woman gave it to me. As I walk out the girl before me, a big black woman, catches up to me and wants her change. The change is divided by recipts so I just give her the one on top and walk to my car. As I go I dig in my backpack nonchalantly looking for my keys, I end up sitting on top of my bag as I dig in my bag trying to feel for my keys. I stop by a stand that has all sorts of hawaiian stuff and look around. I ask if the woman has sunglasses and she tells me that she has 2 million in sunglasses if I can find a place to put them. I start looking over the displays not really wanting to help her but wanting a pair of sunglasses and then I am aware of being awake.
Dreams are such odd things. The only part of this that I can without a doubt tell you what it is about is the sunglasses. The kids recently ruined my expensive fossil sunglasses and the sun has been bothering me. I was upset because my mother bought them for me in pasadena when a migrain was bothering me and they were a delightful luxury for me to have sunglasses from Macy's. I usually get sunglasses from target so a brand name and a cute look were...well i reallyliked them. I took care of them and kept them in the case and always put them up. but the kids got to them and scratched them beyond repair. I was upset that they had broken so mething that was mine, that my mother had bought me from Macy's in Pasadna. It was all kind of hurtful. I had mentioned it to David and we talked about it. The rest of it I have no idea. While the me in this dream is peaceful she seems selfish. Keeping the change and not wanting to find the person, not wanting to help the vendor display stuff, and not returning the love to the people who adored her...me...us. I am uncomfortable with the way i..we ..oy...behave in this dream. It is very out of character for me. I love being praised but only when i do something worth it. I like people to say they liked a meal I cooked or that the party I planned was wonderful. I like it when people feel comfortable and sit and chat. I also llike it when I do something that attracts people to me, or if I look good and people coment on it. Praise for Praise sake seems lost on me. Perhaps that is why i am not quite as balanced as I should be. Should I learn to just except love and praise just because? Bleh even the thought makes me annoyed.
Sweet Dreams,
Bec
In this dream we are in a classroom and people are lipsyncing in groups and we rate them and give them feedback on their lipsyncing. The room is set up oddly with and stage that is only about 2 shallow steps up from the rest of the class and we are fanned out in front of them. The is a small room to the side where people can go to buy food. Frozen burritos. While Groups are lip syncing people are flirting with me and telling me how nice i am. In my dream I am peaceful and happy. I am always smiling. It is like someone gave me a drug or something. While in my dream it seems okay, I woke up feeling uncomfortable with it. The Me in my dream seemed not to care and was unaffected by the world around her. After the groups are done lipsyncing I go to buy a snack and the teacher selling them tells me that the woman before me forgot her change and gives it to me. I have no idea why, I don't know the woman and don't expect to see her. I take the change thinking I will keep it and at the same time wondering why the woman gave it to me. As I walk out the girl before me, a big black woman, catches up to me and wants her change. The change is divided by recipts so I just give her the one on top and walk to my car. As I go I dig in my backpack nonchalantly looking for my keys, I end up sitting on top of my bag as I dig in my bag trying to feel for my keys. I stop by a stand that has all sorts of hawaiian stuff and look around. I ask if the woman has sunglasses and she tells me that she has 2 million in sunglasses if I can find a place to put them. I start looking over the displays not really wanting to help her but wanting a pair of sunglasses and then I am aware of being awake.
Dreams are such odd things. The only part of this that I can without a doubt tell you what it is about is the sunglasses. The kids recently ruined my expensive fossil sunglasses and the sun has been bothering me. I was upset because my mother bought them for me in pasadena when a migrain was bothering me and they were a delightful luxury for me to have sunglasses from Macy's. I usually get sunglasses from target so a brand name and a cute look were...well i reallyliked them. I took care of them and kept them in the case and always put them up. but the kids got to them and scratched them beyond repair. I was upset that they had broken so mething that was mine, that my mother had bought me from Macy's in Pasadna. It was all kind of hurtful. I had mentioned it to David and we talked about it. The rest of it I have no idea. While the me in this dream is peaceful she seems selfish. Keeping the change and not wanting to find the person, not wanting to help the vendor display stuff, and not returning the love to the people who adored her...me...us. I am uncomfortable with the way i..we ..oy...behave in this dream. It is very out of character for me. I love being praised but only when i do something worth it. I like people to say they liked a meal I cooked or that the party I planned was wonderful. I like it when people feel comfortable and sit and chat. I also llike it when I do something that attracts people to me, or if I look good and people coment on it. Praise for Praise sake seems lost on me. Perhaps that is why i am not quite as balanced as I should be. Should I learn to just except love and praise just because? Bleh even the thought makes me annoyed.
Sweet Dreams,
Bec
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