A tumble, and when i use the word tumble i mean very harsh fall, from a bike coupled with pain pills and followed by a high fever and toncillitis, will give you the most amazing dreams. None of which you will remember when you wake up and the pain pills fade and the fog clears from your brain. You wake up feeling slightly rested and annoyed because you can only chase the tails of those rich vivid dreams. Though perhaps the fact that you can't recall those dreams is a blessing. maybe a part of the pain comes our in your dreams. Maybe deviant dreams fill your brain so your body can heal. Maybe there is some portion of your body that has to expel such vile cirumstances and the only place to do that is your dreams.
I fell off my bike banged my face all to hell, sprained my knee, scraped up most exposed surfaces, and got a nasty knot on my forehead. The EMTs came cleaned me up and made me promise to go to the hospital. Once there my body was subjected to alot of testing and xrays and left in a leg immobilizer and with crutches. There is something so violent about this process of being hurt that it last over several days. Not all your bruises rise to the surface until 3 days later and parts of your body hurt that weren't even dragged accross the street behind your bike. It is terrifying that it takes three days for your body to finally say,' this is all that is hurt, take inventory and fix it now.' and then months upon months to heal. while for the most part i walk without crutches my knee will still twing every now and then. I fear my neck will never be quite the same and I kissed all my high heels goodnight for at least a few months until Crocs stop feeling wonderful.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
Red Shirts
Red Shirts. It's written on my white board in my bedroom next to my computer. It's written in red. Besides a magnetic calendar and a dry erase marker it is the only thing that has been on my white board in awhile. It was from a dream a few weeks ago in which my husband has died and moved on and I am still trying to mend the rift between us.
Now that I look back on it, in my dream I thought David was avoiding talking to me about it because he was still mad. But maybe he had already accepted the reality of the situation and wasn't able to tell me. It wasn't until I woke up that I realized that he was dead in my dream. He was wearing a red shirt and all the people in red shirts were dead. I chased david through a forest and a city trying to make good with him. I finally end up in a jazz bar that is painted all white and has white shirts hanging from clothes lines (which I am fairly certain is because I have become a bit obsessive about line drying my laundry.) There is no one in the first room of the restaruant and I look through a door into another room and David is sitting at a table, kind of a bi level booth, talking with other guys, who i don't know. There are Twinkle lights strewn throughout for lighting even though it is sunny near David. The room seems to go from light near the booth to darker with more aritificial lighting near the stage. I am so relived to find him, but for some reason I don't go right to him. I sneak in and listen to the conversation he is having. I can't remeber the words he spoke but I know that they woke me up.
The dream started in a forest though. I am in a tent with my mother, who is naked (i have no idea why. the only thing I can think of is that I am worried about her weight,) and my children. My mother is in a sleeping bag on the ground and my children are...i don't know. I see david getting closer and closer, more from his prespective than mine, he is with another person in a red shirt and a person who was very much like our friend S, but just different enough that i didn't know him. I think he was a hold over from whatever my previous dream was. He is dressed in brown cargo like pants and a t-shirt. Looking back on it it was a little odd that David was hiking through the forest as he isn't really a fan of hiking. David comes into the tent and I think I try to use our children to get him to talk to me. I feel like I spend a long time apologizing and trying to figure out what is wrong then in my persistant way i follow him trying to get him to hold me or forgive me or something. I just keep trying to make it right and David just shakes his head has a worried look and keeps evading me.
Three weeks ago and I still remeber that much about the dream. I don't think I could tell you the story of the tragic queen very much other than the bit about the wolves but this dream i still remeber with a decent amount of detail. I have been stalked by the idea of the red shirts. That's why i wrote it on my white board to stay with me. There is something about it that is nagging at me. Like something just benethe the surface that I need to figure out. Even Freud said 'sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.' maybe i am making a mountain out of a mole hill. Maybe it stuck with me because I was wearing the tshirt from my son's preschool. (I looked good in it to. not too skinny but definately delusional about the state of my thighs.) It's a red shirt. Was i dead to? or just visiting? am I worried that I have done something to David that will go beyond our life together? Both David and joe have commented about the whiteboard. Joe even laughed and said why do you still have it up there. I think it might have been the only time when people listened when I didn't want them too, because both of them remebered what it was a reference to.
Death is a very scary thing. Well maybe not. It is perhaps a very unresolved thing. You don't know if it will happen to someone you love. i am less afraid of dying than losing the people i love. If I am dead, oh well, I won't know. But if i lost David...I sometimes think my world would crumble. I am not going to get sappy here because it is 2 am and even I wouldn't buy it was my real feeling with that little amount of sleep. But my world would be harder. David has life insurance but it couldn't replace or in any way help me. It couldn't take the kids when I was having a bad day. I wouldn't hold me when i dream. It couldn't do Rekki to soothe my head and put me to sleep. All it would do is pay the bills, and I don't really care about the bills. We talk about life insurance and how it will be there to make it easier for the other person. i don't think it would do that. He will just be gone someday, and will miss something, and that is very scary to me. Who knows what that something is but I am pretty sure I will be in that moment and thinking 'i wish David could see this.'
Red shirts. RED SHIRTS. No I have no idea what I need to know about them but I know it is just beneth the surface. Perhaps that David will except the way things are and I just have to keep changing the world. He was so sad in my dream. Even thinking about it is rough.
God damn red shirts.
Now that I look back on it, in my dream I thought David was avoiding talking to me about it because he was still mad. But maybe he had already accepted the reality of the situation and wasn't able to tell me. It wasn't until I woke up that I realized that he was dead in my dream. He was wearing a red shirt and all the people in red shirts were dead. I chased david through a forest and a city trying to make good with him. I finally end up in a jazz bar that is painted all white and has white shirts hanging from clothes lines (which I am fairly certain is because I have become a bit obsessive about line drying my laundry.) There is no one in the first room of the restaruant and I look through a door into another room and David is sitting at a table, kind of a bi level booth, talking with other guys, who i don't know. There are Twinkle lights strewn throughout for lighting even though it is sunny near David. The room seems to go from light near the booth to darker with more aritificial lighting near the stage. I am so relived to find him, but for some reason I don't go right to him. I sneak in and listen to the conversation he is having. I can't remeber the words he spoke but I know that they woke me up.
The dream started in a forest though. I am in a tent with my mother, who is naked (i have no idea why. the only thing I can think of is that I am worried about her weight,) and my children. My mother is in a sleeping bag on the ground and my children are...i don't know. I see david getting closer and closer, more from his prespective than mine, he is with another person in a red shirt and a person who was very much like our friend S, but just different enough that i didn't know him. I think he was a hold over from whatever my previous dream was. He is dressed in brown cargo like pants and a t-shirt. Looking back on it it was a little odd that David was hiking through the forest as he isn't really a fan of hiking. David comes into the tent and I think I try to use our children to get him to talk to me. I feel like I spend a long time apologizing and trying to figure out what is wrong then in my persistant way i follow him trying to get him to hold me or forgive me or something. I just keep trying to make it right and David just shakes his head has a worried look and keeps evading me.
Three weeks ago and I still remeber that much about the dream. I don't think I could tell you the story of the tragic queen very much other than the bit about the wolves but this dream i still remeber with a decent amount of detail. I have been stalked by the idea of the red shirts. That's why i wrote it on my white board to stay with me. There is something about it that is nagging at me. Like something just benethe the surface that I need to figure out. Even Freud said 'sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.' maybe i am making a mountain out of a mole hill. Maybe it stuck with me because I was wearing the tshirt from my son's preschool. (I looked good in it to. not too skinny but definately delusional about the state of my thighs.) It's a red shirt. Was i dead to? or just visiting? am I worried that I have done something to David that will go beyond our life together? Both David and joe have commented about the whiteboard. Joe even laughed and said why do you still have it up there. I think it might have been the only time when people listened when I didn't want them too, because both of them remebered what it was a reference to.
Death is a very scary thing. Well maybe not. It is perhaps a very unresolved thing. You don't know if it will happen to someone you love. i am less afraid of dying than losing the people i love. If I am dead, oh well, I won't know. But if i lost David...I sometimes think my world would crumble. I am not going to get sappy here because it is 2 am and even I wouldn't buy it was my real feeling with that little amount of sleep. But my world would be harder. David has life insurance but it couldn't replace or in any way help me. It couldn't take the kids when I was having a bad day. I wouldn't hold me when i dream. It couldn't do Rekki to soothe my head and put me to sleep. All it would do is pay the bills, and I don't really care about the bills. We talk about life insurance and how it will be there to make it easier for the other person. i don't think it would do that. He will just be gone someday, and will miss something, and that is very scary to me. Who knows what that something is but I am pretty sure I will be in that moment and thinking 'i wish David could see this.'
Red shirts. RED SHIRTS. No I have no idea what I need to know about them but I know it is just beneth the surface. Perhaps that David will except the way things are and I just have to keep changing the world. He was so sad in my dream. Even thinking about it is rough.
God damn red shirts.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Woke up screaming
I had a bad dream last night. Everyone is asking me what my dream was about but dreams aren't ever that easy. When I say a bad dream i really mean a whole series of mini dreams that seemed to be tied together. From dark voices whispering about my daughter to a long story about a tortured queen. While just saying it like that makes it seem fairly benign it isn't really. I did wake up screaming...and woke up half my household in the process. I often wonder if my dreams are so vivid and sequential because I am part of the hollywood generation. Movies have a strong influence in our lives and I often find that I am in the middle of a dream and thinking 'what good cinemtography.' My dreams have special effects and fade from one scene to another. The only problem is that they don't really have much of an ending. I either wake up or I move to another dream entirely. It is disturbing in the case of the dream about the queen. Apart of me really wants to know the bloody end. Another part of me wonders what my subconcious is telling me. Perhaps that it is time to write again and to focus on something other than house. Though after I woke up and David put me back to sleep I did have a dream about being at my mothers house and there was piles of laundry everywhere!! As I say it now it probably wasn't so much a nightmare as my brain trying to tell me to stop being nurotic about laundry. The worst part of dreams is that no matter how hard I try I can't recall all the pieces of the story. I know it was a great story I just can't remeber why.
-B
-B
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