Red Shirts

Red Shirts. It's written on my white board in my bedroom next to my computer. It's written in red. Besides a magnetic calendar and a dry erase marker it is the only thing that has been on my white board in awhile. It was from a dream a few weeks ago in which my husband has died and moved on and I am still trying to mend the rift between us.
Now that I look back on it, in my dream I thought David was avoiding talking to me about it because he was still mad. But maybe he had already accepted the reality of the situation and wasn't able to tell me. It wasn't until I woke up that I realized that he was dead in my dream. He was wearing a red shirt and all the people in red shirts were dead. I chased david through a forest and a city trying to make good with him. I finally end up in a jazz bar that is painted all white and has white shirts hanging from clothes lines (which I am fairly certain is because I have become a bit obsessive about line drying my laundry.) There is no one in the first room of the restaruant and I look through a door into another room and David is sitting at a table, kind of a bi level booth, talking with other guys, who i don't know. There are Twinkle lights strewn throughout for lighting even though it is sunny near David. The room seems to go from light near the booth to darker with more aritificial lighting near the stage. I am so relived to find him, but for some reason I don't go right to him. I sneak in and listen to the conversation he is having. I can't remeber the words he spoke but I know that they woke me up.
The dream started in a forest though. I am in a tent with my mother, who is naked (i have no idea why. the only thing I can think of is that I am worried about her weight,) and my children. My mother is in a sleeping bag on the ground and my children are...i don't know. I see david getting closer and closer, more from his prespective than mine, he is with another person in a red shirt and a person who was very much like our friend S, but just different enough that i didn't know him. I think he was a hold over from whatever my previous dream was. He is dressed in brown cargo like pants and a t-shirt. Looking back on it it was a little odd that David was hiking through the forest as he isn't really a fan of hiking. David comes into the tent and I think I try to use our children to get him to talk to me. I feel like I spend a long time apologizing and trying to figure out what is wrong then in my persistant way i follow him trying to get him to hold me or forgive me or something. I just keep trying to make it right and David just shakes his head has a worried look and keeps evading me.
Three weeks ago and I still remeber that much about the dream. I don't think I could tell you the story of the tragic queen very much other than the bit about the wolves but this dream i still remeber with a decent amount of detail. I have been stalked by the idea of the red shirts. That's why i wrote it on my white board to stay with me. There is something about it that is nagging at me. Like something just benethe the surface that I need to figure out. Even Freud said 'sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.' maybe i am making a mountain out of a mole hill. Maybe it stuck with me because I was wearing the tshirt from my son's preschool. (I looked good in it to. not too skinny but definately delusional about the state of my thighs.) It's a red shirt. Was i dead to? or just visiting? am I worried that I have done something to David that will go beyond our life together? Both David and joe have commented about the whiteboard. Joe even laughed and said why do you still have it up there. I think it might have been the only time when people listened when I didn't want them too, because both of them remebered what it was a reference to.
Death is a very scary thing. Well maybe not. It is perhaps a very unresolved thing. You don't know if it will happen to someone you love. i am less afraid of dying than losing the people i love. If I am dead, oh well, I won't know. But if i lost David...I sometimes think my world would crumble. I am not going to get sappy here because it is 2 am and even I wouldn't buy it was my real feeling with that little amount of sleep. But my world would be harder. David has life insurance but it couldn't replace or in any way help me. It couldn't take the kids when I was having a bad day. I wouldn't hold me when i dream. It couldn't do Rekki to soothe my head and put me to sleep. All it would do is pay the bills, and I don't really care about the bills. We talk about life insurance and how it will be there to make it easier for the other person. i don't think it would do that. He will just be gone someday, and will miss something, and that is very scary to me. Who knows what that something is but I am pretty sure I will be in that moment and thinking 'i wish David could see this.'
Red shirts. RED SHIRTS. No I have no idea what I need to know about them but I know it is just beneth the surface. Perhaps that David will except the way things are and I just have to keep changing the world. He was so sad in my dream. Even thinking about it is rough.
God damn red shirts.